Missing our baby girl at Christmastime...

This Christmas is totally different from what we had anticipated last year at this time.

Instead of having an almost 11-month-old baby toddling around the house and enjoying the excitement of her first Christmas and the anticipation of seeing aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins, we have memories of the 9 months that she was inside my womb and the 6 hours that we held and cherished her in our arms.

We have 4 different ornaments on our tree in memory of our baby girl.

This is a ornament made from a picture that I took of Alethia's hospital bracelet, her footprints, and the little booties that her great-grandma made for her.

A reminder from my friend Sarah that baby Alli is safe in the arms of Jesus. Her name is engraved on the back.

We love you, baby Alethia Joy!

We miss you so much and wish with all our hearts that you were with us.

Merry Christmas in Heaven.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Christmas with Family...

We celebrated Christmas with some of Tony's family last Sunday...

Tony and me with Grandmama

My Husband, the Seminary Graduate!

Last Friday, Tony graduated from seminary with his Master's of Divinity with Biblical Languages.

I am so proud of his hard work and dedication!

With one of his professors

Tony with his mom and grandma

And the question that everyone is asking...so what are you going to do now?

The answer is...we don't really know yet. We are definitely praying about and considering a few different options, but Tony will continue working this next semester and I will continue my school year teaching and we hope to make some decisions in the next few months.

Prayers for wisdom and direction are greatly appreciated!

A Heavy Heart for a Friend...

Please be in prayer for my friend Melissa, her husband Scott, and their families...

I just found out that Scott's brother Luke passed away in a tragic climbing accident this weekend. Two more climbers are still missing. Click here to read more of the story...

My heart is so heavy for this family. Please be in prayer for them as well as the families who are still waiting to hear about their missing loved ones.

A Baby Secret

Yesterday I was going through many of the cards, poems, and books that were given to us after Alli's passing, and I came across this poem that someone [who had been through a very similar situation many years ago] passed on to me...

A Baby Secret

I'm just a little feller

Who didn't quite make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus

But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me Mommy,

I'm of all God's lambs most blest;

I'd have loved to stay there with you,

But the Shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live,

Waiting years to enter in

Struggled through a world of sorrow

And their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet Mommy, don't you sorrow,

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus' bosom

From my lovely Mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

It was brief but don't complain.

I have all of Heaven's glory,

Suffered none of earthling's pain.

--J. C. Bramfield

10 months

It has been 10 months since our baby girl's "home-going."

Today my heart felt as fragile as it was the day we left the hospital empty-handed.

I needed a good cry.

Sometimes I just feel mad at the world...at the unfairness of life (though in reality, if life was truly fair, the grace and mercy of God would be void and I would be destined for a lost eternity),
at the way so many people seem to have no respect for the sanctity of human life ("...as [America is] sung to sleep by philosophies that save the trees and kill the children"--While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns).

It's tough to see every day the way my physical body has been effected by a pregnancy and childbirth with no sweet little living baby to show for it.

I was glared in the face today by the words "not pregnant" from a Clearblue Easy.
And we continue to wait.

Suffering doesn't make sense to me. I am confident that God has a plan in all of this...but my finite brain has a hard time grasping that in the midst of the struggles of daily life.

So often I seem to forget that my Savior suffered in a much deeper way than I ever have or ever will. And through that suffering on the Cross, God revealed His amazing, awesome, powerful plan of redemption for our souls. OUR souls...the lost, wicked, despicable, undeserving sinners that we are.

I will let Nancy Guthrie (One Year Book of Hope) articulate what I want to say in a much better way than I can...

"There's only one thing that enables me to accept what I cannot understand about my suffering and the suffering of this world: the Cross.

I look at the Cross and the enormous suffering it represents, and I am humbled and ashamed that I think I could know better than God what is good and right and purposeful.

I see that there is a larger plan at work that my heart and my mind can barely comprehend. But mostly I see that the Cross is the ultimate example of God's ability to work all things together for good--even the most wicked deed darkness ever conceived.

And if God can work together the cruel death and enormous suffering of his Son on the cross to bring about the greatest good of all time, then perhaps He really can do something good in and through the suffering in our lives
too."

Thankfulness

I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband...

and we have both been blessed with wonderful families...

Shannon, Daniel, Mom Squire and Stephen,

Grandma and Grandad [in Heaven with Alethia] Duranske (not pictured),

Dad Myers and Jean,

Justin, Wendy, Natalie, Nathan, Mom & Dad Smith, Isabelle, Kindra

Grandma and Grandpa VK and baby nephew Nehemiah

We are so thankful for all of you!!

And we are thankful for our sweet baby Alethia Joy, who has been in Heaven for almost 10 months now...

This holiday season is hard; a significant piece of our lives and our hearts is missing without you crawling around, filling the house and our family gatherings with joy and sunshine like we anticipated last year at this time.

We love you, baby girl, and we miss you every day.

Cushioned for the Blow

As I drove home from work this afternoon and thought about my day, I was amazed at how God "cushioned" me and "prepared" me for some things that I would hear on two different occasions.

Grief still shocks me sometimes with its sting. Even some of the simplest things that well-meaning, unsuspecting people say can hit me like a ton of bricks.

But in each case today, He prepared me emotionally and spiritually. He never fails me.

God's Cushion #1
This morning as I was getting out of my car and getting ready to grab my stuff and head into school/work, a co-worker of mine pulled up next to my car and just gave me a hug and shared some encouragement with me...she said she had never really had a chance to talk to me about everything that had happened with the loss of our two babies and she just wanted to let me know that she thinks about us all the time and prays for us. She reminded me that she knows that the Lord is going to do something great in our lives as a result of these trials. It was emotional for me but so refreshing to hear those words. I think they meant even more than they would have 9 1/2 months ago.

Blow #1
That was the Lord preparing me to hear [only about 15 minutes later] another co-worker share a "praise" during our staff morning prayer time about how happy she is for another teacher who just shared her news with us yesterday afternoon that she is expecting a baby. I feel incredibly selfish...but it's still so hard for me to be rejoice with others in regards to this news.

God's Cushion #2
A couple hours later, after our school day was well underway, I received an e-mail from the parent of one of my students containing some very similar and encouraging words as the conversation I had with my co-worker this morning. As a teacher, often the e-mails that I receive at school are in regards to schedules, projects, announcements, questions, and other school-related details. But the Lord knew that was the kind of e-mail I needed to receive today.

Blow #2
That was Him preparing me to hear the words from another [pregnant] co-teacher, "My baby won't stop moving and it's driving me crazy." She had no clue and no negative intent, but it was all I could do to get up and run away right then and there, thinking... "I can't believe you just said that...you have no idea..."

But then I thought of the conversation early this morning and the e-mail I had just read.

I have had to learn that many people just really, truly DON'T understand...and often have NO idea how some of the simplest things can sting an already-aching heart. They don't know what it's like to be me...or you, or what it's like to experience the things that I have experienced..and the things you have experienced. And there are soo many things that others out there have gone through that I have NO clue about either.

It just really means the world when someone lets me know that they haven't forgotten...when they take that risk and just let me know that they're praying for us...or thinking of us.
Yes, often those conversations can be very difficult--my heart is still fragile and tears may be shed...the hurt doesn't go away. But ultimately, talking about the pain and being reminded that God really does have a plan and a purpose in all of this...it leads me just a few more steps down the road to Healing.

I'm thankful for those cushions...and I think someday I might be even thankful for the blows.

Is God Still Good?

Have you ever questioned the "goodness" of God?
In the midst of trials and heart-breaking, life-changing circumstances, I know I have.

I wanted to share an excerpt of a devotional that I read a couple of days ago that encouraged me so much and put things into perspective a bit...

"Goodness is the very essence of who God is, and we can't see God without seeing his goodness. Conversely, if we don't see His goodness, we haven't seen God.
But sometimes a voice deep inside us says, 'Something is wrong with this picture! This is not what goodness looks like!'
Sometimes our circumstances seem like anything but evidence of God's goodness. But that is because we tend to define God by what we have deemed as good.
We have to turn that around.
We have to learn to define goodness by who God is and what He does.
God is eternally, intrinsically, abundantly, infinitely, perfectly good.
God himself is the standard by which we should compare anything we want to label as "good."
He is the source from which everything that is truly good emanates.
God alone is absolutely good. If God ceased to be good, He would cease to be God.
Can God be any less good to you on a dreary and difficult Monday morning than He was on that monumental Friday afternoon when [His son] hung on a cross in your place? Absolutely not! And God will be no less good to you tomorrow either, because God cannot be less than perfectly good.
His goodness is not the effect of His disposition but the essence of His character; it is not an attitude by an attribute."

(taken from "One Year of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie)

What It's Like

I know what it's like to take weekly pregnancy pictures for 7 months straight and to journal in my "baby belly" book about all the details of my pregnancy.

I know what it's like to have 3 baby showers...leading to an abundance of beautiful baby girl clothes of all sizes along with hundreds of diapers and wipes, along with everything else needed for a newborn.

I know what it's like to go into labor 5 days before my due date, only to find out 3 hours later that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I know what it's like to hear the words, "It looks like your baby died" and to replay those scenes and words over and over again in my head.

I know what it's like to hold my baby in my arms after she had already gone to be with Jesus.

I know what it's like to watch my beloved husband gaze at his baby daughter with a daddy's pride and love in his eyes.

I know what it's like to have an abundance of milk with no little mouth to feed.

I know what it's like to have a nursery completely prepared and ready for a newborn baby...standing empty and with everything unused for the past year.

I know what it's like to come home from the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart.

I know what it's like to plan a memorial service for my infant daughter and to place flowers on my baby's grave.

I know what it's like to wonder every day what my baby girl would look like, what skills she would have learned by now, what her personality would be like, and how our lives would be so different right now.

I know what it's like to cring at the sound of a crying newborn baby when I was never able to hear my own baby cry.

I know what it's like to feel like I'm not really a mommy...because I've never been given the chance to fully fulfill that role.

I know what it's like to cry more tears that I ever thought humanly possible.

I know what it's like to be very excited about a subsequent pregnancy, only to say good-bye to another child a week later.

I know what it's like to wonder if I will ever have any more children of my own to finally hold and love and raise for the glory of God....as each month passes.

I know what it's like to feel like no one really understands.

I know what it's like to look at every little baby I see and think about what their age is compared to how old my little Alethia would be right now.

I know what it's like to feel jealousy when I see pregnant women and mommies of newborns and to feel frustration and anger when I hear complaints about pregnancy and other things related to new parenthood.

I know what it's like to have someone ask me how my baby is doing or why I didn't bring my baby to my first post-partum doctor's appointment.

I know what it's like to be afraid to lose another child.

I know what it's like to ask "why?"

I know what it's like to have my faith tested by fire.

I know what it's like to wonder what God is doing in my life right now and how He is using all of this to glorify Him.

BUT...

I also know what it's like to have a personal relationship with a God who cares about my every care and need and who collects my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8)

I know what it's like to be set free from the bondage of sin by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for me! (Romans 5:8, 8:2)

I know what it's like to be surrounded by amazing friends and family who have shown an incredible amount of love and faithfulness in our time of need.

I know what it's like to have people all over the world who we have never even met or spoken to pray for us. The body of Christ just blows me away. (Ephesians 6:18)

I know what it's like to experience a Peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

I know what it's like to realize that I am not alone...there really are MANY people out there who know what I'm going through in a very personal way..and we can comfort each other in our sufferings. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

I know what it's like to experience a deeper and stronger love and relationship with my husband after all we have been through together.

I know what it's like to have God provide for all of our needs beyond all we could ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

I know what it's like to experience the faithfulness of God in a first-hand way. (Lamentations 3:21-23)

I know what it's like to be learning how to consider even the sufferings of life a JOY as the Lord produces perseverance, hope, and spiritual maturity in me every day. (James 1:2-4)

I know what it's like to grieve with HOPE. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I know what it's like to long for the day when I will see the face of my baby girl...and of my blessed Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

9 months

It's hard to believe that we've been without you for 9 months...the same amount of time that you spent with us, inside my womb.

We love you and miss you with all our hearts, sweet baby Alethia Joy.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Just checking in...

It's been a week since I've posted, and I don't really have anything special to write about so I just thought I'd check in with the latest things going on in our lives...

• A new student joined my class this week from Chile...and he speaks basically no English so that has been an adventure! Fortunately, I do speak some Spanish and we have been able to communicate well and I'm enjoying getting some practice with the language! I was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, but so thankful that the transition has been better than I was anticipating.
• Tony went on a 4-day road trip last week up to IA with some youth to visit the college that we both attended. They spent 40+ hours on the road and I'm praising the Lord for their safety on the road.
• Tony will graduate from seminary in December and we are just praying and seeking the Lord's direction in where/what he wants for us in the coming year. We would appreciate your prayers for us as well!
• We continue to miss our babies each day but have had a good past week, by the grace of God.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Visit to Iowa

Here are some photos from my trip to Iowa a couple of weekends ago. I flew there on a Thursday evening and came back on Monday afternoon. We had that Friday off of school, so I only had to take off one school day.. it worked out perfectly!

Lots of fun, quality time with my nieces, Isabelle and Kindra...

Big sis Isabelle with 6-week old baby brother Nehemiah

It was great to be back in my "home state" and see many family members and a few friends.

I really enjoyed some quality time with Charissa!

The only 2 things that I looked forward to coming back to were the warmer weather (it felt like winter up there and even snowed a little bit!) and my husband!

4 generations...daddy, great-grandma, baby Nehemiah, and grandma

He is such a sweet little guy!

One of the highlights of the trip was being able

to attend the girls' birthday party!

Their birthdays are about a month apart (Isabelle-4, Kindra-2) but

why not celebrate them together, especially when Aunt Charity is in town? :)

Sweet little Kindra with her new princess umbrella!

The theme of the party was "Dora" and Aunt Jamie even made cupcakes that looked like Dora's face! So cute.

My wonderful grandparents

Sweet little sis Natalie... people keep telling us we look alike. I just don't see it, especially since we are 6 years apart. What do you think?

Nehemiah helping Uncle Nathan study for his exam :)

I was fortunate to be able to spend lots of time with this little guy, cuddling him, feeding him, and just cherishing his precious life.

My trip was bittersweet and emotional at times...as I constantly thought about my 8-month old Alethia Joy playing with her cousins and how much fun they would have together.

I know she must be having such a great time in Heaven

with soo many other babies.

Nehemiah was the first newborn I've held since my own little daughter.

I just soaked in every moment and loved on him as if he was my own.

Thank you, Lord, for these precious children

that you've placed in our extended family.

Please bless us, Lord, with little ones to fill our arms

and our hearts and our home.

Lighting a Candle...

To my sweet babies Alethia Joy and "Grace,"

Tonight we lit candles in memory of you in an assembly of many others who have also had to say good-bye to their precious babies. It was truly an amazing experience to, for the first time, be surrounded by others who (though each story is unique and different) can share in our grief and loss in a special and specific way.

Alethia Joy, when I heard the two songs tonight, "Glory Baby" and "With Hope," I was vividly reminded of the memorial service where we played both of these songs. I was also reminded of the beautiful words of hope in knowing we will see you again.
Every day I think about what you would be doing at this age of development...8 1/2 months old. What an active age, so full of life...I can just imagine you crawling around, maybe even standing up next to our furniture and getting into everything!

Baby "Grace," I think of how I would be about 17 1/2 weeks pregnant with you...getting ready for the excitement of the "big ultrasound" right around this time. Even though we never had the opportunity to see your sweet face and feel your little kicks and movements or hold you in our arms, we miss you just the same.

My heart goes out to so many others (many of you!) out there who have lost their precious little ones...we will never forget these precious little ones, who even in their brief lives, have impacted us for eternity.

International Wave of Light

Tomorrow at 7:00 p.m., we will be remembering baby Alethia Joy and baby "Grace" in a candlelighting ceremony.
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and all over the world at 7:00 p.m. in many different time zones, candles will be lit in memory of babies who have gone to Heaven through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

Join us and so many others around the world by lighting a candle and remembering all these sweet babies who we miss with all our hearts and who are now safe in the arms of Jesus.

8 months

8 months have passed since we said good-bye...



I miss my baby girl so much and I can't wait to see her in Heaven one day.

6 Years Together

Today, September 29th, marks the 6-year anniversary of the day that Tony and I started our relationship. I will never forget the pizza box and the lovely flower that greeted me on the passenger's seat of his truck as we headed out for a "pizza picnic" on that beautiful fall day.
There, as we sat eating pepperoni pizza at a picnic table in the park, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic to say the least! It's hard to believe 6 years have passed already...

As a wedding anniversary gift, Tony surprised me a couple weeks ago with the idea of finding a photographer and getting some pictures taken at some beautiful "gardens" not far from our house. We were so happy with the way the photos turned out. Here are some of our favorites...

Broken and Loved (post by Tony)

I have to admit that I've had some hard moments since Alethia passed away.
I've struggled and felt as if I wasn't going to make it at times.
It seems like the last month has been one of the hardest.
I miss my little girl.
Sometimes I struggle with downright anger, and at other times I'm just tired.
I would go crazy if it were not for the love of two individuals.

One is the love of God.
I'm thankful that God loves me.
He loved me when I wasn't living for him.
He loves me and forgives me when I sin.
Reading through the minor prophets (in the Bible), I'm amazed at how many times he longs for his people just to come back to him in repentance.
I'm thankful that God is our Heavenly Father.

I've always been impressed with the music of Lifehouse. I find their lyrics simple yet profound.
I'm reminded of the chorus of their song "Broken,"
"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart, that's still beating, in the pain there is healing, in your name I find meaning, so I'm holdin on...I'm barely holding on to you."
I'm holding on to Him.

Second is the love of my wife. I don't know what I would do without her.
I promised to love her with all my heart and soul, and that's what I plan to do.
It's for better and for worse.
With every day together it keeps getting better.
I love you so much, Charity, and I know we are going to make it.

-Tony

Worship

"Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives. It simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings. We worship God because He is worthy, not because we necessarily feel like it. And as we worship in the midst of our pain, we are able to gain perspective on that pain. This is a costly worship--which makes it all the more worthwhile and precious to God."
(Nancy Guthrie--The One Year Book of Hope)

3 years ago...

On September 9, 2006, I married the love of my life.

The Lord has brought us through so much together in the last 3 years, and I can truly say that in the process of being "tested by fire," He has drawn us closer to each other and to Him as a couple.

My dear Tony, I know I loved you soo very much 3 years ago, but I love you even soo much more today!

You make me smile, you make me laugh,

and you challenge and encourage me

in my walk with the Lord.

I just love spending each day with you.

I hope and pray for many more years together.

I am so thankful to the Lord for YOU!

Happy Anniversary, sweet husband!