Today my heart felt as fragile as it was the day we left the hospital empty-handed.
I needed a good cry.
Sometimes I just feel mad at the world...at the unfairness of life (though in reality, if life was truly fair, the grace and mercy of God would be void and I would be destined for a lost eternity),
at the way so many people seem to have no respect for the sanctity of human life ("...as [America is] sung to sleep by philosophies that save the trees and kill the children"--While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns).
It's tough to see every day the way my physical body has been effected by a pregnancy and childbirth with no sweet little living baby to show for it.
I was glared in the face today by the words "not pregnant" from a Clearblue Easy.
And we continue to wait.
Suffering doesn't make sense to me. I am confident that God has a plan in all of this...but my finite brain has a hard time grasping that in the midst of the struggles of daily life.
So often I seem to forget that my Savior suffered in a much deeper way than I ever have or ever will. And through that suffering on the Cross, God revealed His amazing, awesome, powerful plan of redemption for our souls. OUR souls...the lost, wicked, despicable, undeserving sinners that we are.
I will let Nancy Guthrie (One Year Book of Hope) articulate what I want to say in a much better way than I can...
"There's only one thing that enables me to accept what I cannot understand about my suffering and the suffering of this world: the Cross.
I look at the Cross and the enormous suffering it represents, and I am humbled and ashamed that I think I could know better than God what is good and right and purposeful.
I see that there is a larger plan at work that my heart and my mind can barely comprehend. But mostly I see that the Cross is the ultimate example of God's ability to work all things together for good--even the most wicked deed darkness ever conceived.
And if God can work together the cruel death and enormous suffering of his Son on the cross to bring about the greatest good of all time, then perhaps He really can do something good in and through the suffering in our lives
too."
6 comments:
Oh Charity. I'm so sorry today was so rough. And I'm even sadder that you had to deal with a negative pregnancy test on top of all the rest. That's something all too familiar to me.
I hold you dearly in my prayers. Keep your eyes on the cross...He alone is our strength and it is He who wipes away the tears of the brokenhearted (Ps. 34).
Love you.
Charity,
your strong faith is such an encouragement to me. It is so evident how much you love the Lord, even in your sufferings. I am so sorry about the negative pregnancy test, I will be praying so hard that someday i will come to your blog and you will tell us about the possitive test.
You are in my prayers and thoughts often.
love you sister!
Charity,
I love that devotion book by Nancy Guthrie. Thank you for sharing, I always need those types of reminders.
I got the ornament from Walmart last year. It wasn't expensive at all, very simple, but beautiful. I am not sure if they have them this year.
I can relate to the waiting for the "not pregnant" to change some month. Waiting is so hard. I will be praying for the Lord to grant you the desires of your heart.
Waiting with you and trusting in the Master,
Sara
I love your tender heart. My heart hurts with you, but I can in no way understand the pain you must feel month after month. I do feel the pain and helplessness of someone who longs to see her dear friend have a baby to love and hold and I am praying, praying, praying that you will have that joy soon. I love you!!!
you are a beautiful and caring friend to me.
Thank you for that quote. What an amazing way to think of how the greatest suffering brought the most amazing result - the salvation of our souls. I'm so sorry about the negative test. I remember month after month of negative tests and it is just so hard... Remembering sweet Alethia with you. Love you and I'm praying for you.
Praying, Charity. I'm so sorry...
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