Thoughts 4 years later...

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven, Alethia Joy.

This weekend is a "double whammy" for my heart... both the Super Bowl and Alethia's birthday.

February 1, 2009...A "happy day" ... Tony's birthday... and yet my last day of "innocence" so to speak.
Watching the Super Bowl at friends' house...feeling uncomfortably but happily 39 weeks pregnant with our firstborn, a daughter.
Anticipating labor at any time... anxious that it would be a late night before my 5:30am wake-up call for work the next morning.
Naïve.
Innocent.
Never a thought of loss crossing my mind...
The next morning my world came crashing down
Right before my eyes on an ultrasound screen.
When did I last feel her kick in my bulging belly?
Was it when the Steelers and Cardinals were battling it out?
Was it that Sunday afternoon after church?
Was it when I was fast asleep or getting ready for work that morning?
I just ached to feel it even one more time...
And then the "what ifs?"
What if I had just scheduled a C-section that past Friday, when I heard her beautiful, strong heartbeat?
What if I had a clue that she wasn't moving as much?
What if I hadn't stayed up so late that Sunday night?
A never ending list of questions in my mind... and guilt, disbelief, anger, confusion, sorrow.

I would have gladly given anything...given my life...in return for hers. How unfair it seemed - she didn't even have a chance to breath air through her fully developed lungs. She never had the chance to open her eyes and gaze at her mama & daddy's proud "1st time parents" glowing and joyful faces.

It was all too silent that very early morning.
February 3, 2009.
Loud, screaming babies being weighed and measured
Doting grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins taking their turns snuggling the new little one
Cameras flashing, video camera batteries wearing down from constant use,
Diapers being changed,
Newborns suckling at their mother's breast.
These were the noises that were supposed to be heard in that hospital room.
The silence was deafening.

We clung to her tightly through the wee hours of the morning.
10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes. 6 lbs, 7.4 oz...21 1/2 inches long. Each feature perfectly knitted by God.
She wore a beautiful white dress...the one we had been given for her first Sunday at church.
Until finally it was time to let go. Let go? We could never truly let go.
There would always be a piece of our hearts...a piece of our family missing. Missing.
Could this really be true?
Or would we wake up from this terrible nightmare?
PLEASE God, please, let this all be a dream.

Never again would I have the same perspective on being a mother,
For I was now a mother without my child
Never again would I hear of a healthy baby being born without whispering
"Praise God."
...Because that's not something to ever take for granted.

A child can never be replaced.

The Lord's blessing us with Hannah Beth and Anthony has been part of the [continual] healing process... by His grace my little ones have helped to put back together some of the pieces of my heart that were shattered with the loss of my precious "Alli Joy."
One of the sweetest things in the world is to hear my Hannah Beth (2 years) talk about "Lay-thia" - she often sleeps with our "Alethia Lamby" that was given to me by some sweet friends. When speaking about each member of our family, she almost always includes Alethia in the list. And when we ask her where her big sister is, she responds "in Heaven - Jesus is holding her."

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A journal entry from September 17, 2009...

"I realized today that the Lord is calling me to abandon my own agenda - what I have planned - to embrace the quality of life He gives. This means putting my own plans to death, making HIM my life. This is already painful just thinking about it.. But do I really believe that God's plan is better than the one I've crafted? Lord, give me the faith I need to believe in the satisfying life you want to give me! I have to reconsider Your purpose for my life - if I cling to my own plans and desires, I will never discover the freedom & joy found in "losing my life" for Him.
Lord, I'm scared. I'm afraid of surrender. Give me faith to give my plans over to you and exchange them for Your divine, better plan! Please, give me faith!"

[And that faith is still in the process... I have such a long ways to go. So thankful for God's patience with me.] 
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"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow, and every day.
Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it."
(Frances de Sales)

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So. Much. Hope... in what lies ahead...for those who have given their lives to Christ.

Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (NIV)

Psalm 30:5 - "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." (NLT)

1 Peter 5:10 - "The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does." (The Message)

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We sure do miss you every day, sweet little girl! We can't wait for that day when we will see you again! Hope you have a wonderful birthday in Heaven. What a glorious day (today and every day) it must be - in the presence of Jesus.

Thanksgiving Travels

It took me over 2 months, but for my memory's sake, I wanted to post about our trip to NC over Thanksgiving...

We left Tuesday morning and headed out for our longest day of traveling - to my aunt & uncle's house in Indiana. It was great to see them - we had dinner there and spent the night (Hannah Beth slept in my cousin Megan's room).

Wednesday - traveled to Knoxville, TN, where we stayed in a hotel...it was supposed to have a pool but we were disappointed when we got there and found out the pool was no longer in service. The room had 2 queen beds so HB slept in one of those. We walked over to a nearby Ruby Tuesday's and had a nice dinner before heading to bed.


Thursday - traveled to Charlotte, NC area to the home of our friends Jan & Steven and their sweet boys Matthew, Jonathan, and Andrew.. it was our first time to meet Andrew and their first time to meet Anthony. Hannah Beth had a great time playing with the boys and it was so great to see them. Jan's parents came over for dinner so we enjoyed seeing them as well.

 

Sweet times with my sweet friend Jan

Friday - we left Charlotte after lunch and drove to Durham, getting there in time to make it to Tony's grandma's house for dinner. She met Anthony for the first time as well. That night we "moved in" to our friends' house where we housesat for the days that we were in Durham. Hannah Beth slept in their "grandkids' room" on the bottom bunk bed.

Saturday - Tony's mom Roni and her husband Stephen flew in from CA that morning and we went back over to Grandma's and saw them for the first time since they came to visit us in June. They were so excited to see the kids of course (they hadn't seen Anthony since he was just a couple weeks old!) While the others went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch (and then Tony took the kids back to the house for naps), I was able to spend the day with my sweet teacher friends Julie and Sarah. We hung out in Chapel Hill for the day, ate lunch at a cute Italian café, got Starbucks, and shopped at Trader Joe's, chatting and catching up on life all along the way. Tony and Stephen went to a Duke women's BB game that night.

Sunday - we traveled for about an hour and made it to Tony's brother Daniel and Shannon's house, where Hannah Beth took a nap soon after we got there. That afternoon we opened our Christmas presents with Mom, Stephen, and Grandmama there as well. We were all very spoiled with the gifts and then enjoyed a delicious meal of fresh fish (Hannah Beth loved Uncle Daniel's fish - she ate at least 4 helpings!) We spent the night there at D & S's house. Hannah Beth loves animals so she was very excited about their 3 cats!

Monday - we headed back to Durham this morning and spent the day with family. We had brought some cereal for breakfast and got some groceries to make sandwiches for lunch, etc. I enjoyed a fresh Keurig cup of decaf coffee almost every morning.

 

 

Tuesday - spent the day with family and then that afternoon after a late lunch at Golden Corral we drove a couple of hours to Tony's dad and his wife Jean's house.

Wednesday - this day was spent relaxing at their house for the kids and I - while Anthony was sleeping, Hannah Beth and I were able to run around outside in their huge backyard and it was great o get some nice fresh NC air too; Tony and his dad went to an indoor sky-diving place where Tony was able to experience the simulation of sky-diving! He loved it. We enjoyed a Panera lunch (at home) and pizza for supper. Daniel and Shannon came late that night so we got to see them again fortunately.

Thursday - Thanksgiving Day - Jean's parents also came and we enjoyed a delicious Thanksgiving lunch together - the deep-fried turkey is something we also look forward to when we go there - yum! After lunch we headed back to Durham; at the last minute we decided to stop in Wake Forest where Tony's aunt & uncle and cousins live - we hadn't seen them in a few years so it was nice to be there. Hannah Beth loved all their pets!

Friday - We enjoyed spending time at Grandmama D's house - Hannah Beth had a great time helping put ornaments on the tree (her favorites were the lollipop ornaments).

That night we left the kids with their Mimi and Papa and went to downtown Durham to Tony's 10 year high school reunion. His class was so big (as opposed to my graduating class of like 35) that he actually met for the first time several people at his reunion that had been in his class all along - it was kind of funny to me! What was amazing to us was that very few of his classmates there were there were even married yet (we've been married 6+ years) - and no one except us had kids that we knew of. Very different stages of life I suppose. It was a nice little date night and the kids did well with Mimi and Papa.

Saturday - we hung out with the family today and met our friend Bobby & Kathie along with their grandson for lunch. We also visited the cemetery for the first time in a whole year and were able to get a picture of all "5" of us - next to Alethia's gravestone - such a precious time. (more on that and a couple pictures to come in a few days)

Sunday - Roni and Stephen's flight left this morning so we had to say good-bye to them before we headed off to church. It was great to be back at our "old" church - Cornerstone - and I even was able to sing on the worship team that morning with Don and Melinda. What an encouragement to see everyone and Tony enjoyed the opportunity to teach adult Sunday school as well as preach in the 2nd service (his message was on Blind Bartimaeus). We had lunch with Pastor Gary at Subway afterwards. It was a busy day - in the afternoon we spent some time over at Rob and Brooke Taylor's house - Rob is one of Tony's closest NC friends and it was fun to see them (their daughter Lily was born just one day before HB). That evening we met Grandmama for supper at Bojangles' - one of Tony's favorite southern fast food places.

Monday - we packed everything up and headed for day one of our three day trip back home. It's amazing how much stuff we packed into that car of ours! We're thankful to have a large trunk - we definitely had more going home than we did on our way there. The kids were such troopers and did really great on our trip - Anthony slept a lot, and Hannah Beth took a nap afternoon close to her regular naptime. We just had to time our feeding/restroom/gas stops so we didn't have to wake anyone up when they were asleep! This night we stayed in a hotel in WV. It was a pretty short traveling day so we had time to run to the store and relax that afternoon/evening.

Tuesday - we headed to my aunt and uncle's in IN again this day - it's such a blessing to be able to stop there on our way down south and back home again. It's always nice to see them and stay at their "B & B" :) Hannah Beth loved reading books with Aunt Karen.

Wednesday - home again! The last day going back home always seems soo long - and it was in fact our longest traveling day. I have to admit the trip was a bit challenging for me in the fact that Anthony was teething the whole time, and though he slept well in the car thankfully, he had a pretty rough time sleeping in his bed (he would wake up multiple times each night, sometimes waking up Hannah Beth as well) .  But we made it and were soo thankful that we were able to see everyone, that the Lord provided safety for us on the roads, no car trouble, and a really good trip overall. We were very blessed to be able to have our friends' whole house to stay in while in Durham and enjoyed the hospitality of many others as well.        Until next time...