10 Years in Heaven

10 years have passed.

Wow.. double digits.

At times it seems like a world away, and yet at other times, my mind flashes back to those raw moments of deep grief as if it were only yesterday that we experienced them.

A lot has happened since my last blog post about 2 1/2 years ago, when I was suffering through a miscarriage and recovering from a D & C. As most of you know, God has since blessed us with a beautiful healthy baby girl, Autumn Joy (named after her oldest sister, Alethia Joy). She has grown so fast and is already 16 months old (pictured in the top picture). 

Along with the joy [and busyness!] of raising 4 young children, this past year has also had its challenges with unexpected changes in Tony's job/our ministry, and we are continuing to wait on the Lord and trust Him for clear direction with the unknowns of our future.

But no matter what joys and challenges may come our way, we think of and miss our firstborn every day. She is never far from our minds.

I often wonder, "what would it be like having a 10 year old?"

"Would her reddish hair match that of two of her siblings?"

"Would she be spunky like her sister, or intuitive like her next youngest brother?"

"Would she be artsy or athletic...quiet or outgoing?"

As we make it a tradition to do each year around her birthday, we "celebrate" her life and the brief memories we have and want to share with our other children. This year we made a "donut" cake in memory of her [which the kids enjoyed eating of course!]. Reflecting back, it never ceases to amaze me as I remember how many friends, family members, even strangers, stepped in to "weep with those who weep" - we will never forget the outpouring of love, compassion, support, visits, many many cards [which I still have and love to read over again] and emails, hugs, not to mention tangible things like food and $. When we barely knew how to cover funeral and burial expenses, God's people stepped in [including an occurrence of an envelope placed in our hands containing $4,000 in cash from a virtual stranger].

Part of our tradition each year is to watch a DVD slideshow of pictures of our precious time holding our firstborn baby girl in our arms.

Watching this always brings back a wave of emotions, tears, and it gives Hannah Beth, Anthony, Elliot, and Autumn Joy a small glimpse into all that occurred on February 3, 2009. Precious tears have been shed by them as well.

I never want to forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms. And now I know even more how much I was missing - now that I have been a mother to living, healthy children.

Several months ago on a trip to NC, we visited the cemetery (as we usually do each time we visit family in the south). Beforehand, we had told the kids our plan - they know the usual "drill" of taking a family picture there, checking on the flowers, and also remembering Tony's grandfather who is buried in the plot next to Alethia.

Anthony (5 years old at the time) responded, "I have some things I want to tell her."

Taken aback, I thought for a moment and then asked (just to make sure I was hearing correctly), "Tell who? Alethia?"

"Yes," he replied.

So we arrived and did our thing, then walked a little ways away to give him some space. He walked around the gravestone a few times, mouth moving, intent on his "conversation" with his big sister in Heaven. I was far away enough not to hear; I inquired of him later if he wanted to share but he said he didn't really want to, so I left it between the two of them. ❤❤❤

 

People have often commented on our story with "I don't know how you did it."

I sometimes have wondered the same thing. And how did our young marriage of 2 1/2 years survive such a trial [and only grow stronger as a result]?

The answer is: only by the grace of God...and a word I've been reflecting on lately:

HOPE

Though the storms of life rage against us, and the enemy of our souls seeks to use these storms to toss us ashore, we have an anchor.

"This hope [Jesus Christ] is a strong and worthy anchor for our souls." Hebrews 6:19, NLT

I have hope in knowing that not only did Jesus die to pay for my [and your] sins, but He rose again, and defeated death. We can [and will] have ultimate victory through Jesus. The sting of death and loss that we experience here on earth will be swallowed up in victory.

This world that we live in is such a hurting and broken place. But God is redemptive in all His ways - He is with us. And He's not going to leave us here in this broken world forever. We have hope as we wait for Christ's return - for those of us who know and trust Him as our Savior.

He is making all things new. All the tears, the mourning, the pain--they will be completely eliminated.

Our hope in Jesus is even greater than the pain of losing Alethia Joy (which, to be honest, has seemed unbearable at times).

Some of my favorite verses:

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: 

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

Great is His faithfulness. 

His mercies begin afresh each morning."

Lamentations 3:21-23 NLT

I recently read a quote in an online Bible study that stuck with me:

"Trading in the hard times would be trading in some of those opportunities to better understand who the Lord is and what He has done for me." (author unknown)

On a similar note...a friend whose family has been through some tremendous trials once said, "Situations that seem so useless, so senseless, so unfair, and so unjust are all opportunities for God to show His faithfulness to us-and all that He asks is that we trust Him." (Sue Stratman)

God is good - even when life and life's circumstances are not.

God is a God of HOPE.

Happy 10th birthday in Heaven, Alethia Joy! We love you! 

To read previous posts on Alethia Joy, grief, and other birthday milestones of our firstborn baby, 

click below on the "labels." [edited to add: for some reason, these labels may only show up on a PC]

I have a 7 year old in Heaven...

Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven to our firstborn precious daughter, Alethia Joy.

A "memory" photo recently came on my Facebook feed a few days ago - the picture was dated January 29, 2009 and it was of my sister-in-law, Tony's grandmother, and myself at my baby shower. I was 38 weeks pregnant with Alethia Joy. If I could capture a moment in time, I would want to feel her again on that day...kicking her little feet into my ribs as family and friends gathered with joy to celebrate her life.  

As I looked at that picture, I couldn't help but think about how "innocent" I was that day - innocent in the fact that I had no idea how much my life would be turned upside down in a matter of just a few days. Clueless as to the fact that the beautiful frilly pink outfits would never be worn by this firstborn baby girl of mine. The diapers and wipes would not be used for her little bottom. The rattles would never be grasped by her tiny fingers. The blankets would soon be folded up and placed in boxes instead of being wrapped around her warm, squirmy, snuggly body. 

In a way it feels like I have forgotten what life was like before we entered the valley of the shadow of death. A journey that would stretch and test our faith like never before...and change our lives forever.

February 2, 2009 was the day that journey began - the moment the midwife checked for her heartbeat and the only one she could find was mine. 
I labored throughout that afternoon and evening and then very early the next morning, 2:14 a.m., February 3, our beautiful daughter was delivered. We were so blessed to have the next six hours just to hold her, take pictures with her [so very thankful for the ministry of NILMDTS], sing to her, and try to memorize the feel of her in our arms even though we knew that she had already gone home to be with Jesus. 

7 years old. Something about the age of 7 seems significant to me - I'm not exactly sure what it is, but maybe it's because most of the students I taught and spent countless hours with in 1st or 2nd grade were either 7 years old or close to it. The funny things they would say, the attitudes they would sometimes give me ;), the way many of them were starting to read more fluently, the excitement about their upcoming birthday parties, the things they were learning in math, the sweet hugs and smiles [oftentimes toothless - I loved that!] I would receive...these are all things that Alethia would be experiencing at the age of 7.

Hannah Beth [age 5] talks about her "big sister" almost every day - it's one of the sweetest things and I hope as she grows older that she will never stop talking about Alli Joy. If I'm truly honest with myself, my heart aches sometimes to think about the sisterly bond that they are missing out on...the fun they would have together, the giggles, the catty fights, the sharing of clothes and dolls and shoes... all the things that come with having a close sister.  

But all these "would have beens" or "could haves" or "what ifs" are not the way things are..
And my life will never be the same as it was 7 years and 2 days ago... 
And that's ok. 

"Healing from a deep loss is not about recovery and returning to 'the way things were'--it's about allowing ourselves to keep on changing and becoming, amidst the pain." (Robert Zucker) 

I mentioned earlier that I sometimes feel like I've forgotten what life was like before we began this journey - and in many ways I don't really want to remember. 
Because the Lord has used this path of suffering to change me. 
Though the path sometimes seems dark, He has been our guiding light. 
He has given us the strength to make it through each day and it has drawn us that much closer to Him. 
When there is no one else to cling to, my Jesus holds me tight.
My Jesus gives me the grace to be able to "consider it all joy..." (James 1:2-3) 

Throughout these last several years, I've realized that I had a choice - to either become bitter towards God and turn away, or to grow, change, and become closer to Him through the process. 
My hope and prayer is that I have chosen the latter. And will continue to.

Loss and pain are not things that we will ever understand - and it's okay to ask the question "Why?" - but sometimes instead of answers, God gives us comfort. He leads us to the ultimate source of comfort - Himself. 

It comforts me so much when I think that the first face that Alethia saw was the face of Jesus! 
And when I think of all the effects of sin on our world - the terror, the sickness, the crime, the depression, the despair...the list could go on and on.. Alethia Joy was spared from all of that! What a comforting thought. 

Some of the favorite verses are in Lamentations 3:21-25, (emphasis mine) 

"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.

The Lord's loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I have hope in Him.'

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him."

Hope.
Loving kindness.
Compassion.
Faithfulness.
More hope.
Goodness.

These are just a few of the character qualities of our amazing God. 
He is good - even when life and life's circumstances are not good.

Every day on this journey of life, I cling to HOPE. This word is used twice in the above quoted verses - and for good reason, I believe.
When I look back on Alethia Joy's brief life, I have memories, I have a box filled with photos, cards, hospital bracelets, a couple of her blankets, her tiny handprints and footprints.. but that's really all I have in a physical sense. 

            
BUT I have so much hope!!! The goodbye that we said that horrible, sad day in the hospital is not the end! 

"..Nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain, the pain of losing you
But we can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye
Is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again"        [Steven Curtis Chapman "With Hope"] 

 We truly do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

This life here on earth is so short - but eternity is forever. If you are reading this, I truly hope and pray that you have put your complete faith and trust in Jesus - who died for our sins, rose again, and lives today - giving us hope for tomorrow and each day ahead! 

I can't wait for the day when we see our Alethia Joy again, in Heaven. 
And I can't wait to see my Savior who fills me with HOPE for each day until then.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)

**To read other previous posts about our Alethia Joy, 

see underneath where it reads "Labels" and click "Alethia Joy"**

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Alethia Joy's 6th Birthday

As I sat to begin this blog post yesterday afternoon [February 2nd], I thought about how on that very same afternoon 6 years ago, my life truly changed forever.
How life can change in an instant.
Just minutes earlier, we had been told that our firstborn, a baby girl, no longer had a beating heart.
The ultrasound monitor in that OB clinic flashes in my mind as the news of the doctor repeated itself over and over in my head...can it really be possible? So very hard to grasp reality when the loss of your child looms over you like a nightmare that can't be forgotten even after you awake.

At 2:14 a.m., February 3, 2009, our Alethia Joy was born. She weighed 6 lbs, 7.4 ounces, and was 21 1/2 inches long. Her soul was already with Jesus, but I never want to forget what it felt like to hold her perfect body in my arms in those early morning hours.
We dressed her in a beautiful white dress and cap that her Mimi & Papa had given to us for her to wear on her first Sunday at church. Instead, she wore the dress to go meet Jesus.

Six years later, my days are busy, my arms are full [soo incredibly blessed] and yet I so often feel like there is a piece of my heart missing. Our firstborn daughter holds a piece of my heart in Heaven.

My prayer then and my prayer still today is... Lord, let my grief not be wasted. May You be glorified in the midst of this sorrow and tremendous loss.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

It was an amazing "non-coincidence" (God-thing!) that today's devotional in my devotional calendar reads like this, 

"Part of the reason God allows us to experience sorrow and trials in this life is that we might learn that God has power to sustain us and provide for us all things that produce earthly blessings and eternal benefits...All of God's children go through storms in their journeys through life. It is precisely in the "going-through" stage of any crisis that God's peace is most clearly manifested to all." (Charles Stanley, God's Way Day by Day) 

I am thankful.
Thankful for you, baby Alli Joy, that you made me a mother for the very first time.
Thankful for the 39 weeks and 1 day that I had the privilege of carrying you in my womb.
Even thankful for the deepest valley - the valley of the shadow of death - that has brought me stronger and closer in my walk with the Lord. 
Thankful that I have an eternal hope in my Savior Jesus - a hope that I will one day see you again, baby girl.
What a day, GLORIOUS day, that will be!

~~
My personal journal entry from March 26, 2009--
"Ways to grow:"
--Appreciate life and time with loved ones.
--Cherish each moment.
--Pray for others expecting a child.
--Rely on God's strength.
--Trust God's plan and His control.
--Comfort others.
--Reach out to others.
--Show compassion.
--Thank God for the thorns.

"Teach me the value of my thorns, show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain."

Lord, may these "ways to grow" continue to be my focus, as growing is a never-ending endeavor...

Happy 6th Birthday in Heaven, our Alethia Joy!

We sure do love you and miss you!!

[Elliot with Alethia's baby shoe Christmas ornament]

Happy 5th Birthday, Alethia Joy!

Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven to our precious Alethia Joy.

Each year on her birthday we watch our photo slideshow (made by NILMTDS - Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) and shed tears - some days it doesn't even seem possible that this was our reality just 5 short years ago.

Tonight we "celebrated" her birthday with a heart-shaped cake and Hannah Beth and I sat down and looked through our photo albums and "Alethia" box - filled with sweet memories, like her footprints, booties, hat, blanket, hospital bracelet, etc. It was really sweet to be able to share those things with HB, who at almost 3 1/2 years old, is beginning to grasp more about her big sister every year.

I took the opportunity to look through some cards and emails that were sent to us in the weeks after February 3rd - and it's so overwhelming [in such a good way!].
So many of you who may be reading this right now blessed us with words of comfort and encouragement, Scripture, songs, poems, and love beyond anything we could have ever imagined. I still even have all the cards that both my 1st grade students at the time as well as other classes made for me - so sweet. This is not to mention all of the meals, donations, time given, and other services for us in our time of need. And PRAYER - we could have never made it through without all the prayers of our friends and loved ones.
So...5 years later, I want to say "Thank you!" for all of that. It was truly the body of Christ in action.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I imagine what life would be life if she were here with us now - a grown-up 5 year old girl - getting ready to start Kindergarten in the fall. Would she be out-going and extroverted like her sister Hannah Beth? Or would she be more laid back like her little brother? Would she love princesses and pink? Or would she be more of a tom-boy? And what would she look like? Would she resemble Mommy? Or would she take more after Daddy's side? Tall or short? Thin or stocky? Blue eyes or hazel?
So many questions. Sorrow that we never got to see her open her eyes here on earth.
Can't wait for the day when all the questions will be answered and we will see her in Heaven face to face.
  
My mind goes back to the verses in James 1:2-4 where this blog got its name -

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Joy? When you have just said good-bye to your firstborn daughter, the baby you had been waiting 9 long months to meet and hold and raise, joy seems like the last word you would use to describe it.

I have to be honest and say that, in the depths and despair of grief, I have questioned the wisdom of God's plan. How can something like this possibly be a part of God's Sovereign plan? And why, oh why, did he choose US to experience this?

But He sees the bigger picture so much more than we ever can on this side of Heaven. And that's where trust comes in. It's almost like He is asking me, "Charity, you can trust me when things are going smoothly [on the mountain tops], but can you trust me in the valleys as well?"

As the above verses mention, God can use this trial in my life to produce endurance/perseverance and be lacking in nothing? Amazing thought!

"There is no way to learn of faith except through trials. They are God's school of faith, and it is much better for us to learn to trust Him than to live a life of enjoyment. And once the lesson of faith has been learned, it is an everlasting possession and an eternal fortune gained. Yet without trust in God, even great riches will leave us in poverty." (from Streams in the Desert)

My prayer is that somehow the Lord has used, and can still use, this loss of our baby girl to bring others (maybe even you who are reading this) to know Him in a personal way.
Even if just one person comes to know the Lord Jesus through all of this, then our grief has not been wasted.

He is God. He is our Savior. He is our life. Without Him we would have no hope at all. And I can't imagine anyone living their life that way.

Deuteronomy 33:12, “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long,

and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”

Continuing to learn how to "consider it all joy,"

Charity 

Truth* and Joy

Alethia Joy Myers

February 3rd, 2009

She never said a word,

But she sings in the choir of the Almighty God.

She never took a step,

But she walks on streets of gold.

She never went to school,

But she is teaching all of us.

She has amassed no earthly wealth,

But she has treasures untold.

She never breathed the air of earth,

But she lives eternally in the presence of Jesus Christ.

--written by Tony's grandma, Pearline Duranske

*Alethia is the Greek word for truth.

Thoughts 4 years later...

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven, Alethia Joy.

This weekend is a "double whammy" for my heart... both the Super Bowl and Alethia's birthday.

February 1, 2009...A "happy day" ... Tony's birthday... and yet my last day of "innocence" so to speak.
Watching the Super Bowl at friends' house...feeling uncomfortably but happily 39 weeks pregnant with our firstborn, a daughter.
Anticipating labor at any time... anxious that it would be a late night before my 5:30am wake-up call for work the next morning.
Naïve.
Innocent.
Never a thought of loss crossing my mind...
The next morning my world came crashing down
Right before my eyes on an ultrasound screen.
When did I last feel her kick in my bulging belly?
Was it when the Steelers and Cardinals were battling it out?
Was it that Sunday afternoon after church?
Was it when I was fast asleep or getting ready for work that morning?
I just ached to feel it even one more time...
And then the "what ifs?"
What if I had just scheduled a C-section that past Friday, when I heard her beautiful, strong heartbeat?
What if I had a clue that she wasn't moving as much?
What if I hadn't stayed up so late that Sunday night?
A never ending list of questions in my mind... and guilt, disbelief, anger, confusion, sorrow.

I would have gladly given anything...given my life...in return for hers. How unfair it seemed - she didn't even have a chance to breath air through her fully developed lungs. She never had the chance to open her eyes and gaze at her mama & daddy's proud "1st time parents" glowing and joyful faces.

It was all too silent that very early morning.
February 3, 2009.
Loud, screaming babies being weighed and measured
Doting grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins taking their turns snuggling the new little one
Cameras flashing, video camera batteries wearing down from constant use,
Diapers being changed,
Newborns suckling at their mother's breast.
These were the noises that were supposed to be heard in that hospital room.
The silence was deafening.

We clung to her tightly through the wee hours of the morning.
10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes. 6 lbs, 7.4 oz...21 1/2 inches long. Each feature perfectly knitted by God.
She wore a beautiful white dress...the one we had been given for her first Sunday at church.
Until finally it was time to let go. Let go? We could never truly let go.
There would always be a piece of our hearts...a piece of our family missing. Missing.
Could this really be true?
Or would we wake up from this terrible nightmare?
PLEASE God, please, let this all be a dream.

Never again would I have the same perspective on being a mother,
For I was now a mother without my child
Never again would I hear of a healthy baby being born without whispering
"Praise God."
...Because that's not something to ever take for granted.

A child can never be replaced.

The Lord's blessing us with Hannah Beth and Anthony has been part of the [continual] healing process... by His grace my little ones have helped to put back together some of the pieces of my heart that were shattered with the loss of my precious "Alli Joy."
One of the sweetest things in the world is to hear my Hannah Beth (2 years) talk about "Lay-thia" - she often sleeps with our "Alethia Lamby" that was given to me by some sweet friends. When speaking about each member of our family, she almost always includes Alethia in the list. And when we ask her where her big sister is, she responds "in Heaven - Jesus is holding her."

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A journal entry from September 17, 2009...

"I realized today that the Lord is calling me to abandon my own agenda - what I have planned - to embrace the quality of life He gives. This means putting my own plans to death, making HIM my life. This is already painful just thinking about it.. But do I really believe that God's plan is better than the one I've crafted? Lord, give me the faith I need to believe in the satisfying life you want to give me! I have to reconsider Your purpose for my life - if I cling to my own plans and desires, I will never discover the freedom & joy found in "losing my life" for Him.
Lord, I'm scared. I'm afraid of surrender. Give me faith to give my plans over to you and exchange them for Your divine, better plan! Please, give me faith!"

[And that faith is still in the process... I have such a long ways to go. So thankful for God's patience with me.] 
---

"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow, and every day.
Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it."
(Frances de Sales)

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So. Much. Hope... in what lies ahead...for those who have given their lives to Christ.

Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (NIV)

Psalm 30:5 - "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." (NLT)

1 Peter 5:10 - "The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does." (The Message)

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We sure do miss you every day, sweet little girl! We can't wait for that day when we will see you again! Hope you have a wonderful birthday in Heaven. What a glorious day (today and every day) it must be - in the presence of Jesus.