10 Years in Heaven

10 years have passed.

Wow.. double digits.

At times it seems like a world away, and yet at other times, my mind flashes back to those raw moments of deep grief as if it were only yesterday that we experienced them.

A lot has happened since my last blog post about 2 1/2 years ago, when I was suffering through a miscarriage and recovering from a D & C. As most of you know, God has since blessed us with a beautiful healthy baby girl, Autumn Joy (named after her oldest sister, Alethia Joy). She has grown so fast and is already 16 months old (pictured in the top picture). 

Along with the joy [and busyness!] of raising 4 young children, this past year has also had its challenges with unexpected changes in Tony's job/our ministry, and we are continuing to wait on the Lord and trust Him for clear direction with the unknowns of our future.

But no matter what joys and challenges may come our way, we think of and miss our firstborn every day. She is never far from our minds.

I often wonder, "what would it be like having a 10 year old?"

"Would her reddish hair match that of two of her siblings?"

"Would she be spunky like her sister, or intuitive like her next youngest brother?"

"Would she be artsy or athletic...quiet or outgoing?"

As we make it a tradition to do each year around her birthday, we "celebrate" her life and the brief memories we have and want to share with our other children. This year we made a "donut" cake in memory of her [which the kids enjoyed eating of course!]. Reflecting back, it never ceases to amaze me as I remember how many friends, family members, even strangers, stepped in to "weep with those who weep" - we will never forget the outpouring of love, compassion, support, visits, many many cards [which I still have and love to read over again] and emails, hugs, not to mention tangible things like food and $. When we barely knew how to cover funeral and burial expenses, God's people stepped in [including an occurrence of an envelope placed in our hands containing $4,000 in cash from a virtual stranger].

Part of our tradition each year is to watch a DVD slideshow of pictures of our precious time holding our firstborn baby girl in our arms.

Watching this always brings back a wave of emotions, tears, and it gives Hannah Beth, Anthony, Elliot, and Autumn Joy a small glimpse into all that occurred on February 3, 2009. Precious tears have been shed by them as well.

I never want to forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms. And now I know even more how much I was missing - now that I have been a mother to living, healthy children.

Several months ago on a trip to NC, we visited the cemetery (as we usually do each time we visit family in the south). Beforehand, we had told the kids our plan - they know the usual "drill" of taking a family picture there, checking on the flowers, and also remembering Tony's grandfather who is buried in the plot next to Alethia.

Anthony (5 years old at the time) responded, "I have some things I want to tell her."

Taken aback, I thought for a moment and then asked (just to make sure I was hearing correctly), "Tell who? Alethia?"

"Yes," he replied.

So we arrived and did our thing, then walked a little ways away to give him some space. He walked around the gravestone a few times, mouth moving, intent on his "conversation" with his big sister in Heaven. I was far away enough not to hear; I inquired of him later if he wanted to share but he said he didn't really want to, so I left it between the two of them. ❤❤❤

 

People have often commented on our story with "I don't know how you did it."

I sometimes have wondered the same thing. And how did our young marriage of 2 1/2 years survive such a trial [and only grow stronger as a result]?

The answer is: only by the grace of God...and a word I've been reflecting on lately:

HOPE

Though the storms of life rage against us, and the enemy of our souls seeks to use these storms to toss us ashore, we have an anchor.

"This hope [Jesus Christ] is a strong and worthy anchor for our souls." Hebrews 6:19, NLT

I have hope in knowing that not only did Jesus die to pay for my [and your] sins, but He rose again, and defeated death. We can [and will] have ultimate victory through Jesus. The sting of death and loss that we experience here on earth will be swallowed up in victory.

This world that we live in is such a hurting and broken place. But God is redemptive in all His ways - He is with us. And He's not going to leave us here in this broken world forever. We have hope as we wait for Christ's return - for those of us who know and trust Him as our Savior.

He is making all things new. All the tears, the mourning, the pain--they will be completely eliminated.

Our hope in Jesus is even greater than the pain of losing Alethia Joy (which, to be honest, has seemed unbearable at times).

Some of my favorite verses:

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: 

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

Great is His faithfulness. 

His mercies begin afresh each morning."

Lamentations 3:21-23 NLT

I recently read a quote in an online Bible study that stuck with me:

"Trading in the hard times would be trading in some of those opportunities to better understand who the Lord is and what He has done for me." (author unknown)

On a similar note...a friend whose family has been through some tremendous trials once said, "Situations that seem so useless, so senseless, so unfair, and so unjust are all opportunities for God to show His faithfulness to us-and all that He asks is that we trust Him." (Sue Stratman)

God is good - even when life and life's circumstances are not.

God is a God of HOPE.

Happy 10th birthday in Heaven, Alethia Joy! We love you! 

To read previous posts on Alethia Joy, grief, and other birthday milestones of our firstborn baby, 

click below on the "labels." [edited to add: for some reason, these labels may only show up on a PC]