It's Still Being Written...

My story isn't over...
It's still being written.

Just over a month ago, I got to see our baby blueberry for the first time (the approximate size of baby in utero) and witness that tiny little beautiful heart beating away.
And then I saw my little blueberry grow and develop the beginnings of arms and legs and become the size of a grape in only a matter of a few weeks. A miracle was happening inside of me yet again. His or her heart was beating healthy and well. It never ceases to amaze me how God knits together each piece by His own hands.

But this past Friday, at what was supposed to be my "routine" prenatal 11 week appointment, we found out that our sweet baby grape had already gone to be with Jesus.
I don't understand it, and maybe I never will here on Earth, but apparently God wanted this little one to join Alethia and my other 2 little blueberries in Heaven.

Within just a few seconds of the ultrasound tech beginning the ultrasound, I could tell that something was wrong - in many ways the events of 7 1/2 years ago washed over me like I was experiencing it again - yet in a different way.
She wouldn't confirm it until after trying a second ultrasound method, but I knew deep down my baby was not ok. There was no healthy happy beating heart this time. And I left with an ultrasound picture in my hand but not one that I would be framing...one that would only serve as my last memory of this sweet baby.

This miscarriage was different from the other two that were earlier on in the pregnancies and had "happened" on their own... this time we had to make the decision of the next step to take. I had already been very sick in  bed all week and was becoming quite dehydrated. This was "supposed" to be a happy day when I was celebrating being close to the 2nd trimester, but instead it turned into a painful, emotional, difficult day, in which I was both processing the loss of my child and then undergoing a D & C procedure.

I'm so thankful for the prayers, support, love, and care from so many friends and family. It's been really challenging for both Tony and me to go through this grieving process yet again and yet we have been so encouraged by the love of Christ shown to us through the body of Christ.

In many ways I wish that I didn't have this "story" to tell.
I often don't understand my story, or the reasons why I have lived it...
But the One who holds the pen -
He is the same One who heals broken hearts.
He is the same One who sets the captive free.
He is the One who holds the universe in the palm of His hand.
The One who cares for you, for me, and even the tiniest details of our lives.

I think in reality... I'm really glad He is the One who holds that pen, and not me.

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I wont turn back, I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Well live to know You here on the earth

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
"You Never Let Go" (Matt Redman)

My hope is that in some way, even one person who reads this can find hope, strength, and can know YOU are not alone- no matter what you're going through.
I can't imagine walking this road alone, and am so thankful that I don't have to.

For those of you who've been blessed with little babies, or even if your babies are not so little anymore, give them an extra squeeze and an "I love you" tonight...every life is so precious and should never be taken for granted. I'm so very thankful for the ones God has given me.