Lazy Sunday afternoon

This is what you do after an entire Saturday spent at

Carowinds amusement park with the youth group...

I wasn't able to go with them yesterday because I was attending our school's graduation ceremony...but it sounds like they had a great time!

It has been exciting to see how the Lord has been working in our church youth group--when we started as the youth leaders 2 years ago, we only had 3 kids in our group.

Now we have an average of 13! We love our youth group!

Memorial Day weekend

We went up to IA last weekend for my brother Nathan's graduation... here are a few pictures from the trip.

The "kids" of the family (brother Justin, his wife Wendy, and their two girls-Isabelle and Kindra, and a little boy on the way; the graduate Nathan, my hubby Tony, me, and sister Natalie)

Grandma VK and Isabelle

"Sistas"

They are such sweeties! It was so good to see them.

It was so good to see my family and spend the weekend with them. I couldn't help but think constantly about how the one person that is missing in our family pictures--sweet baby Alethia Joy. Back at Christmas, we all talked about how much fun it would be to get together for graduation and see our baby girl for the first time. I couldn't wait to "show her off" to all of the family--I just know she would've gotten so much attention! My heart just aches and I miss her so much, especially during times like that when everyone is together. I just feel like a piece of me is missing.

Before we flew back home on Tuesday, I was able to have lunch with one of my best friends, Charissa. It was so good and refreshing to see her.

My friend Lauren and I also saw each other for a few minutes...but we were so busy catching up on all that has happened in the last year that I forgot to get a picture with her.

Another school year wrapping up...

As of yesterday (Friday) at 12:00 p.m., I am done with another school year!
I do have to go back next week for teacher work days to clean up my classroom, take everything down off the walls, and tie up other loose ends, but I said good-bye to my sweet little 1st graders yesterday.
It feels so good to be done...but it's also sad in a sentimental sort of way. It has definitely been a year of ups and downs and total life changes that we never expected to experience, and my kiddos and fellow teachers have been with me through it all.
I've been so blessed to be surrounded by students, parents, and teachers who have been so loving, encouraging, supportive and such prayer warriors during the last few months. Tonight I was able to hang out with my sweet friend Sarah (who teaches kindergarten) and she shared with me that she and her students have prayed for Tony and me every day since Alethia passed away.
Wow...it has just been so encouraging to know how many people (even many who we've never even met) have been praying for us.. we definitely need it and the Lord is answering those prayers and giving us strength in the midst of our grief.

...pictures of our weekend in IA to follow on my next post...

Praises in the storm

Tony and I are in IA this weekend for my little brother's graduation from high school...and it has been such a blessing to spend time with family.
Weekends like this just make me so thankful for all the wonderful family that the Lord has blessed us with.
Yesterday afternoon was the graduation and tomorrow morning (Monday) will be Nathan's open house...so we are busily preparing for a large crowd of people here at my parents' house.

This morning at church, my mom and I had an emotional moment as the praise team sang the song "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns.
I had just been thinking of the lyrics of that song and how true they are to our situation and the "storm" that we've been weathering through the last 3 1/2 months.

Praise You in the Storm

I was sure by now

That you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say Amen, and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands

For you are who you are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

I love the reminder that God "is who He is"--He's never changed no matter what storms and trials we are going through.

Weariness

Grief is emotionally exhausting and confusing.
I am so tired of smiling and laughing one minute, and then having tears flowing freely down my face seconds later.
Why is it that some nights I will go to bed peaceful and comfortable, and other nights I just cry myself to sleep?

I am experiencing the roller coaster of the grief process, and I just never know where it's going to take me next.
You've probably noticed this in my blogging pattern too...one day I will be posting pictures of fun times with visitors and friends, and a few days later, I will write about the aching of my heart.
My heartache and pain don't go away during these memorable times with friends.. but I am thankful for the blessings of the people God has given me in the midst of the grief.

Lately I've struggled with looking at other people's families....
seeing people blessed with 6 healthy and beautiful children,
or 5
or 4
or 3
or 2
or even just 1. It just seems so unfair.
I just want my one baby girl to love and hold.
I know I'm not the only one out there like this...my heart goes out to and feels the pain of so many women struggling with the loss of one or more children, as well as those who can't have children of their own.

But through it all...there is no coincidence in what the Lord led me to read in my devotions this morning.
I wasn't looking for these verses, but this is what was on my reading list for today:

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

Psalm 30:5b, 11, 12

Lord, in the midst of my grief, may I sing your praise and not be silent!!

May I never forget to thank you for using even the brief life of baby Alethia Joy to give thanks to you...forever.

Weekend with a friend

Diana and I had a great time together over the weekend...

It was fun to have her visit my classroom on Friday. My students loved "Miss Bayer"!

We spent Saturday picking strawberries, going bead-shopping (Diana is an avid jewelry maker), having lunch at Jason's Deli, and at the local farmer's market.

We hadn't seen each other since Christmas, so it was really good just to be able to hang out together and for me to share my heart with her and all that we've experienced since Alethia went to be with Jesus.

I'm thankful for my faithful best friend since high school!

The end is in sight...

These last couple of weeks have been sooo crazy-busy! And that's my excuse for not blogging much lately.
School is almost over.. we are counting down the days and both the students and teachers are getting anxious. I only have 7 more days with these little kiddos...4 more "teaching" days, and then field day, clean-up day, and awards day. So much to do, so little time!
I'll be taking off a couple of days next week for our trip to IA for my "little" brother Nathan's graduation. I'm really looking forward to seeing all of my family again...but I know it's going to be bittersweet in many ways, since we had been planning for this to be our first trip to IA with our 3-mo. old baby daughter.
It's incredible to think that this school year is almost over already. So much has happened in the last year. I am really gonna miss my little 1st graders in many ways...they've been through all of this with me, and I will never forget that. Even though during this time of year, I have to pray for extra patience for each day and each situation, I really just want to cherish each day and each moment that God has given me to impact the children's lives for Jesus.

On another note, my best friend from high school, Diana, has made a sort-of "spontaneous" trip to visit us this weekend!! It has been so fun to have her finally come and see where we live, and since she's getting ready to graduate from medical school and start her residency, she even shared with my students at school today about being a dr. They loved trying out the stethoscope!
I'll blog more about this weekend's adventures in a few days....

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Weekend

I had been dreading this weekend for many days...anticipating such a mixture of emotions and sadness as I would think about it being Mother's Day and watch other people joyfully celebrate the holiday.
To be honest, in anticipation of the day, I really just wanted to stay in bed and "skip over" the whole day, in a way. But I knew that realistically, that wouldn't really help one bit.

I could tell that soo many people were praying for me today. God demonstrated His strength to me more than I ever imagined possible. It makes me realize that I should never limit God's abilities.

My sweet friend Rachel came last night and stayed with us, and it was such a blessing to have her here. She is such an encouragement to me and I appreciate her friendship so much.

One of Tony's best friends was the speaker at church this morning also, so it was fun to fellowship with "old" friends.

In the past few days, I have received several cards and e-mails. My wonderful husband brought me roses and so did a dear friend from church. It was just so good to be acknowledged as a mother and know that people have not forgotten about us; quite the opposite, in fact.

Not much was said at church this morning about Mother's Day.. people there have been so sensitive to our situation and I really appreciate it.
The day ended up being quite busy, which was a good thing in many ways. After church, we had lunch and spent the afternoon at Tony's aunt's house along with his mom and grandmother.
Soon after getting home from there, we headed to youth group for the evening.

The Lord has sustained me and given me hope and strength and I thank Him for it.
A verse that has come to my mind to describe today is Isaiah 40:31,

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

The mailbox was full of some painful and difficult reminders today...

Obviously my name is still on all their "baby" mailing lists.

But...I also had a great reminder of "new life" today.

The rose bush that we planted in memory of Alethia Joy has just started budding!

One of the little roses opened today and there are 6 more that look like they will open soon...

And I always love the time of year when the daisies come up...

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder of new life blossoming.

Maybe I will be able to use that formula and those coupons

sometime in the somewhat near future after all.

I hope and pray that it will be so.

3 months

It has been 3 months.


These milestones are always so hard, and for some reason, thinking about how Alethia Joy would have been 3 months today is even more difficult than previous milestones. Maybe it's because around 3 months of age, babies seem to have so much more personality and can interact more with those around them by this age.

I love it though how God gives us an extra measure of strength just when we need it...

The Lord woke me up this morning with this line from the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in my head and I have been thinking on it all day--

"Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside."

He truly has shown me His strength today in the midst of the pain in my heart.

Plans

For as long as I can remember, I have been a "planner."
As a wife and homemaker, I plan our meals weeks in advance.
As a teacher, I plan my lessons weeks in advance.
Just in general, I have always enjoyed looking at my calendar, jotting things down, and planning out "my life," so to speak. I thrive on schedules and structure...sometimes a little bit too much.

In the last 3 months, the Lord has been teaching me that I can't plan out my life. Things definitely don't happen the way that I think or hope or plan that they're going to.

The good news is that God has already planned my life for me!
He had it all worked out before time even began.
"Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16)

Some other verses that He has brought to my mind lately are...
"The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

And this is one that I actually just found today that stuck out to me.
"O LORD, You are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name; For You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness." (Isaiah 25:1)
Wow, perfect faithfulness. I love that. I need that.

I like how Brandon Heath puts it in his song, "Wait and See."
"There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet.
God teach me to trust you. Teach me to follow you. Teach me about you.
God bless us. God lead us."

I definitely don't understand right now exactly what God is doing and how He is going to use Alethia's brief life to bring glory to Himself. The pain and heartache are still there, and it's so hard to "wait and see," but I'm so encouraged by these verses and thankful that my God is faithful, and He's not finished with me (or any of us!!) yet.