It's Still Being Written...

My story isn't over...
It's still being written.

Just over a month ago, I got to see our baby blueberry for the first time (the approximate size of baby in utero) and witness that tiny little beautiful heart beating away.
And then I saw my little blueberry grow and develop the beginnings of arms and legs and become the size of a grape in only a matter of a few weeks. A miracle was happening inside of me yet again. His or her heart was beating healthy and well. It never ceases to amaze me how God knits together each piece by His own hands.

But this past Friday, at what was supposed to be my "routine" prenatal 11 week appointment, we found out that our sweet baby grape had already gone to be with Jesus.
I don't understand it, and maybe I never will here on Earth, but apparently God wanted this little one to join Alethia and my other 2 little blueberries in Heaven.

Within just a few seconds of the ultrasound tech beginning the ultrasound, I could tell that something was wrong - in many ways the events of 7 1/2 years ago washed over me like I was experiencing it again - yet in a different way.
She wouldn't confirm it until after trying a second ultrasound method, but I knew deep down my baby was not ok. There was no healthy happy beating heart this time. And I left with an ultrasound picture in my hand but not one that I would be framing...one that would only serve as my last memory of this sweet baby.

This miscarriage was different from the other two that were earlier on in the pregnancies and had "happened" on their own... this time we had to make the decision of the next step to take. I had already been very sick in  bed all week and was becoming quite dehydrated. This was "supposed" to be a happy day when I was celebrating being close to the 2nd trimester, but instead it turned into a painful, emotional, difficult day, in which I was both processing the loss of my child and then undergoing a D & C procedure.

I'm so thankful for the prayers, support, love, and care from so many friends and family. It's been really challenging for both Tony and me to go through this grieving process yet again and yet we have been so encouraged by the love of Christ shown to us through the body of Christ.

In many ways I wish that I didn't have this "story" to tell.
I often don't understand my story, or the reasons why I have lived it...
But the One who holds the pen -
He is the same One who heals broken hearts.
He is the same One who sets the captive free.
He is the One who holds the universe in the palm of His hand.
The One who cares for you, for me, and even the tiniest details of our lives.

I think in reality... I'm really glad He is the One who holds that pen, and not me.

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I wont turn back, I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Well live to know You here on the earth

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
"You Never Let Go" (Matt Redman)

My hope is that in some way, even one person who reads this can find hope, strength, and can know YOU are not alone- no matter what you're going through.
I can't imagine walking this road alone, and am so thankful that I don't have to.

For those of you who've been blessed with little babies, or even if your babies are not so little anymore, give them an extra squeeze and an "I love you" tonight...every life is so precious and should never be taken for granted. I'm so very thankful for the ones God has given me.

I have a 7 year old in Heaven...

Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven to our firstborn precious daughter, Alethia Joy.

A "memory" photo recently came on my Facebook feed a few days ago - the picture was dated January 29, 2009 and it was of my sister-in-law, Tony's grandmother, and myself at my baby shower. I was 38 weeks pregnant with Alethia Joy. If I could capture a moment in time, I would want to feel her again on that day...kicking her little feet into my ribs as family and friends gathered with joy to celebrate her life.  

As I looked at that picture, I couldn't help but think about how "innocent" I was that day - innocent in the fact that I had no idea how much my life would be turned upside down in a matter of just a few days. Clueless as to the fact that the beautiful frilly pink outfits would never be worn by this firstborn baby girl of mine. The diapers and wipes would not be used for her little bottom. The rattles would never be grasped by her tiny fingers. The blankets would soon be folded up and placed in boxes instead of being wrapped around her warm, squirmy, snuggly body. 

In a way it feels like I have forgotten what life was like before we entered the valley of the shadow of death. A journey that would stretch and test our faith like never before...and change our lives forever.

February 2, 2009 was the day that journey began - the moment the midwife checked for her heartbeat and the only one she could find was mine. 
I labored throughout that afternoon and evening and then very early the next morning, 2:14 a.m., February 3, our beautiful daughter was delivered. We were so blessed to have the next six hours just to hold her, take pictures with her [so very thankful for the ministry of NILMDTS], sing to her, and try to memorize the feel of her in our arms even though we knew that she had already gone home to be with Jesus. 

7 years old. Something about the age of 7 seems significant to me - I'm not exactly sure what it is, but maybe it's because most of the students I taught and spent countless hours with in 1st or 2nd grade were either 7 years old or close to it. The funny things they would say, the attitudes they would sometimes give me ;), the way many of them were starting to read more fluently, the excitement about their upcoming birthday parties, the things they were learning in math, the sweet hugs and smiles [oftentimes toothless - I loved that!] I would receive...these are all things that Alethia would be experiencing at the age of 7.

Hannah Beth [age 5] talks about her "big sister" almost every day - it's one of the sweetest things and I hope as she grows older that she will never stop talking about Alli Joy. If I'm truly honest with myself, my heart aches sometimes to think about the sisterly bond that they are missing out on...the fun they would have together, the giggles, the catty fights, the sharing of clothes and dolls and shoes... all the things that come with having a close sister.  

But all these "would have beens" or "could haves" or "what ifs" are not the way things are..
And my life will never be the same as it was 7 years and 2 days ago... 
And that's ok. 

"Healing from a deep loss is not about recovery and returning to 'the way things were'--it's about allowing ourselves to keep on changing and becoming, amidst the pain." (Robert Zucker) 

I mentioned earlier that I sometimes feel like I've forgotten what life was like before we began this journey - and in many ways I don't really want to remember. 
Because the Lord has used this path of suffering to change me. 
Though the path sometimes seems dark, He has been our guiding light. 
He has given us the strength to make it through each day and it has drawn us that much closer to Him. 
When there is no one else to cling to, my Jesus holds me tight.
My Jesus gives me the grace to be able to "consider it all joy..." (James 1:2-3) 

Throughout these last several years, I've realized that I had a choice - to either become bitter towards God and turn away, or to grow, change, and become closer to Him through the process. 
My hope and prayer is that I have chosen the latter. And will continue to.

Loss and pain are not things that we will ever understand - and it's okay to ask the question "Why?" - but sometimes instead of answers, God gives us comfort. He leads us to the ultimate source of comfort - Himself. 

It comforts me so much when I think that the first face that Alethia saw was the face of Jesus! 
And when I think of all the effects of sin on our world - the terror, the sickness, the crime, the depression, the despair...the list could go on and on.. Alethia Joy was spared from all of that! What a comforting thought. 

Some of the favorite verses are in Lamentations 3:21-25, (emphasis mine) 

"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.

The Lord's loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I have hope in Him.'

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him."

Hope.
Loving kindness.
Compassion.
Faithfulness.
More hope.
Goodness.

These are just a few of the character qualities of our amazing God. 
He is good - even when life and life's circumstances are not good.

Every day on this journey of life, I cling to HOPE. This word is used twice in the above quoted verses - and for good reason, I believe.
When I look back on Alethia Joy's brief life, I have memories, I have a box filled with photos, cards, hospital bracelets, a couple of her blankets, her tiny handprints and footprints.. but that's really all I have in a physical sense. 

            
BUT I have so much hope!!! The goodbye that we said that horrible, sad day in the hospital is not the end! 

"..Nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain, the pain of losing you
But we can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye
Is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again"        [Steven Curtis Chapman "With Hope"] 

 We truly do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

This life here on earth is so short - but eternity is forever. If you are reading this, I truly hope and pray that you have put your complete faith and trust in Jesus - who died for our sins, rose again, and lives today - giving us hope for tomorrow and each day ahead! 

I can't wait for the day when we see our Alethia Joy again, in Heaven. 
And I can't wait to see my Savior who fills me with HOPE for each day until then.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)

**To read other previous posts about our Alethia Joy, 

see underneath where it reads "Labels" and click "Alethia Joy"**

.