Thankfulness

I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband...

and we have both been blessed with wonderful families...

Shannon, Daniel, Mom Squire and Stephen,

Grandma and Grandad [in Heaven with Alethia] Duranske (not pictured),

Dad Myers and Jean,

Justin, Wendy, Natalie, Nathan, Mom & Dad Smith, Isabelle, Kindra

Grandma and Grandpa VK and baby nephew Nehemiah

We are so thankful for all of you!!

And we are thankful for our sweet baby Alethia Joy, who has been in Heaven for almost 10 months now...

This holiday season is hard; a significant piece of our lives and our hearts is missing without you crawling around, filling the house and our family gatherings with joy and sunshine like we anticipated last year at this time.

We love you, baby girl, and we miss you every day.

Cushioned for the Blow

As I drove home from work this afternoon and thought about my day, I was amazed at how God "cushioned" me and "prepared" me for some things that I would hear on two different occasions.

Grief still shocks me sometimes with its sting. Even some of the simplest things that well-meaning, unsuspecting people say can hit me like a ton of bricks.

But in each case today, He prepared me emotionally and spiritually. He never fails me.

God's Cushion #1
This morning as I was getting out of my car and getting ready to grab my stuff and head into school/work, a co-worker of mine pulled up next to my car and just gave me a hug and shared some encouragement with me...she said she had never really had a chance to talk to me about everything that had happened with the loss of our two babies and she just wanted to let me know that she thinks about us all the time and prays for us. She reminded me that she knows that the Lord is going to do something great in our lives as a result of these trials. It was emotional for me but so refreshing to hear those words. I think they meant even more than they would have 9 1/2 months ago.

Blow #1
That was the Lord preparing me to hear [only about 15 minutes later] another co-worker share a "praise" during our staff morning prayer time about how happy she is for another teacher who just shared her news with us yesterday afternoon that she is expecting a baby. I feel incredibly selfish...but it's still so hard for me to be rejoice with others in regards to this news.

God's Cushion #2
A couple hours later, after our school day was well underway, I received an e-mail from the parent of one of my students containing some very similar and encouraging words as the conversation I had with my co-worker this morning. As a teacher, often the e-mails that I receive at school are in regards to schedules, projects, announcements, questions, and other school-related details. But the Lord knew that was the kind of e-mail I needed to receive today.

Blow #2
That was Him preparing me to hear the words from another [pregnant] co-teacher, "My baby won't stop moving and it's driving me crazy." She had no clue and no negative intent, but it was all I could do to get up and run away right then and there, thinking... "I can't believe you just said that...you have no idea..."

But then I thought of the conversation early this morning and the e-mail I had just read.

I have had to learn that many people just really, truly DON'T understand...and often have NO idea how some of the simplest things can sting an already-aching heart. They don't know what it's like to be me...or you, or what it's like to experience the things that I have experienced..and the things you have experienced. And there are soo many things that others out there have gone through that I have NO clue about either.

It just really means the world when someone lets me know that they haven't forgotten...when they take that risk and just let me know that they're praying for us...or thinking of us.
Yes, often those conversations can be very difficult--my heart is still fragile and tears may be shed...the hurt doesn't go away. But ultimately, talking about the pain and being reminded that God really does have a plan and a purpose in all of this...it leads me just a few more steps down the road to Healing.

I'm thankful for those cushions...and I think someday I might be even thankful for the blows.

Is God Still Good?

Have you ever questioned the "goodness" of God?
In the midst of trials and heart-breaking, life-changing circumstances, I know I have.

I wanted to share an excerpt of a devotional that I read a couple of days ago that encouraged me so much and put things into perspective a bit...

"Goodness is the very essence of who God is, and we can't see God without seeing his goodness. Conversely, if we don't see His goodness, we haven't seen God.
But sometimes a voice deep inside us says, 'Something is wrong with this picture! This is not what goodness looks like!'
Sometimes our circumstances seem like anything but evidence of God's goodness. But that is because we tend to define God by what we have deemed as good.
We have to turn that around.
We have to learn to define goodness by who God is and what He does.
God is eternally, intrinsically, abundantly, infinitely, perfectly good.
God himself is the standard by which we should compare anything we want to label as "good."
He is the source from which everything that is truly good emanates.
God alone is absolutely good. If God ceased to be good, He would cease to be God.
Can God be any less good to you on a dreary and difficult Monday morning than He was on that monumental Friday afternoon when [His son] hung on a cross in your place? Absolutely not! And God will be no less good to you tomorrow either, because God cannot be less than perfectly good.
His goodness is not the effect of His disposition but the essence of His character; it is not an attitude by an attribute."

(taken from "One Year of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie)

What It's Like

I know what it's like to take weekly pregnancy pictures for 7 months straight and to journal in my "baby belly" book about all the details of my pregnancy.

I know what it's like to have 3 baby showers...leading to an abundance of beautiful baby girl clothes of all sizes along with hundreds of diapers and wipes, along with everything else needed for a newborn.

I know what it's like to go into labor 5 days before my due date, only to find out 3 hours later that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I know what it's like to hear the words, "It looks like your baby died" and to replay those scenes and words over and over again in my head.

I know what it's like to hold my baby in my arms after she had already gone to be with Jesus.

I know what it's like to watch my beloved husband gaze at his baby daughter with a daddy's pride and love in his eyes.

I know what it's like to have an abundance of milk with no little mouth to feed.

I know what it's like to have a nursery completely prepared and ready for a newborn baby...standing empty and with everything unused for the past year.

I know what it's like to come home from the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart.

I know what it's like to plan a memorial service for my infant daughter and to place flowers on my baby's grave.

I know what it's like to wonder every day what my baby girl would look like, what skills she would have learned by now, what her personality would be like, and how our lives would be so different right now.

I know what it's like to cring at the sound of a crying newborn baby when I was never able to hear my own baby cry.

I know what it's like to feel like I'm not really a mommy...because I've never been given the chance to fully fulfill that role.

I know what it's like to cry more tears that I ever thought humanly possible.

I know what it's like to be very excited about a subsequent pregnancy, only to say good-bye to another child a week later.

I know what it's like to wonder if I will ever have any more children of my own to finally hold and love and raise for the glory of God....as each month passes.

I know what it's like to feel like no one really understands.

I know what it's like to look at every little baby I see and think about what their age is compared to how old my little Alethia would be right now.

I know what it's like to feel jealousy when I see pregnant women and mommies of newborns and to feel frustration and anger when I hear complaints about pregnancy and other things related to new parenthood.

I know what it's like to have someone ask me how my baby is doing or why I didn't bring my baby to my first post-partum doctor's appointment.

I know what it's like to be afraid to lose another child.

I know what it's like to ask "why?"

I know what it's like to have my faith tested by fire.

I know what it's like to wonder what God is doing in my life right now and how He is using all of this to glorify Him.

BUT...

I also know what it's like to have a personal relationship with a God who cares about my every care and need and who collects my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8)

I know what it's like to be set free from the bondage of sin by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for me! (Romans 5:8, 8:2)

I know what it's like to be surrounded by amazing friends and family who have shown an incredible amount of love and faithfulness in our time of need.

I know what it's like to have people all over the world who we have never even met or spoken to pray for us. The body of Christ just blows me away. (Ephesians 6:18)

I know what it's like to experience a Peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

I know what it's like to realize that I am not alone...there really are MANY people out there who know what I'm going through in a very personal way..and we can comfort each other in our sufferings. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

I know what it's like to experience a deeper and stronger love and relationship with my husband after all we have been through together.

I know what it's like to have God provide for all of our needs beyond all we could ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

I know what it's like to experience the faithfulness of God in a first-hand way. (Lamentations 3:21-23)

I know what it's like to be learning how to consider even the sufferings of life a JOY as the Lord produces perseverance, hope, and spiritual maturity in me every day. (James 1:2-4)

I know what it's like to grieve with HOPE. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I know what it's like to long for the day when I will see the face of my baby girl...and of my blessed Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

9 months

It's hard to believe that we've been without you for 9 months...the same amount of time that you spent with us, inside my womb.

We love you and miss you with all our hearts, sweet baby Alethia Joy.

Love, Mommy and Daddy