What It's Like

I know what it's like to take weekly pregnancy pictures for 7 months straight and to journal in my "baby belly" book about all the details of my pregnancy.

I know what it's like to have 3 baby showers...leading to an abundance of beautiful baby girl clothes of all sizes along with hundreds of diapers and wipes, along with everything else needed for a newborn.

I know what it's like to go into labor 5 days before my due date, only to find out 3 hours later that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I know what it's like to hear the words, "It looks like your baby died" and to replay those scenes and words over and over again in my head.

I know what it's like to hold my baby in my arms after she had already gone to be with Jesus.

I know what it's like to watch my beloved husband gaze at his baby daughter with a daddy's pride and love in his eyes.

I know what it's like to have an abundance of milk with no little mouth to feed.

I know what it's like to have a nursery completely prepared and ready for a newborn baby...standing empty and with everything unused for the past year.

I know what it's like to come home from the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart.

I know what it's like to plan a memorial service for my infant daughter and to place flowers on my baby's grave.

I know what it's like to wonder every day what my baby girl would look like, what skills she would have learned by now, what her personality would be like, and how our lives would be so different right now.

I know what it's like to cring at the sound of a crying newborn baby when I was never able to hear my own baby cry.

I know what it's like to feel like I'm not really a mommy...because I've never been given the chance to fully fulfill that role.

I know what it's like to cry more tears that I ever thought humanly possible.

I know what it's like to be very excited about a subsequent pregnancy, only to say good-bye to another child a week later.

I know what it's like to wonder if I will ever have any more children of my own to finally hold and love and raise for the glory of God....as each month passes.

I know what it's like to feel like no one really understands.

I know what it's like to look at every little baby I see and think about what their age is compared to how old my little Alethia would be right now.

I know what it's like to feel jealousy when I see pregnant women and mommies of newborns and to feel frustration and anger when I hear complaints about pregnancy and other things related to new parenthood.

I know what it's like to have someone ask me how my baby is doing or why I didn't bring my baby to my first post-partum doctor's appointment.

I know what it's like to be afraid to lose another child.

I know what it's like to ask "why?"

I know what it's like to have my faith tested by fire.

I know what it's like to wonder what God is doing in my life right now and how He is using all of this to glorify Him.

BUT...

I also know what it's like to have a personal relationship with a God who cares about my every care and need and who collects my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8)

I know what it's like to be set free from the bondage of sin by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for me! (Romans 5:8, 8:2)

I know what it's like to be surrounded by amazing friends and family who have shown an incredible amount of love and faithfulness in our time of need.

I know what it's like to have people all over the world who we have never even met or spoken to pray for us. The body of Christ just blows me away. (Ephesians 6:18)

I know what it's like to experience a Peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

I know what it's like to realize that I am not alone...there really are MANY people out there who know what I'm going through in a very personal way..and we can comfort each other in our sufferings. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

I know what it's like to experience a deeper and stronger love and relationship with my husband after all we have been through together.

I know what it's like to have God provide for all of our needs beyond all we could ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

I know what it's like to experience the faithfulness of God in a first-hand way. (Lamentations 3:21-23)

I know what it's like to be learning how to consider even the sufferings of life a JOY as the Lord produces perseverance, hope, and spiritual maturity in me every day. (James 1:2-4)

I know what it's like to grieve with HOPE. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I know what it's like to long for the day when I will see the face of my baby girl...and of my blessed Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.