Thoughts 4 years later...

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven, Alethia Joy.

This weekend is a "double whammy" for my heart... both the Super Bowl and Alethia's birthday.

February 1, 2009...A "happy day" ... Tony's birthday... and yet my last day of "innocence" so to speak.
Watching the Super Bowl at friends' house...feeling uncomfortably but happily 39 weeks pregnant with our firstborn, a daughter.
Anticipating labor at any time... anxious that it would be a late night before my 5:30am wake-up call for work the next morning.
Naïve.
Innocent.
Never a thought of loss crossing my mind...
The next morning my world came crashing down
Right before my eyes on an ultrasound screen.
When did I last feel her kick in my bulging belly?
Was it when the Steelers and Cardinals were battling it out?
Was it that Sunday afternoon after church?
Was it when I was fast asleep or getting ready for work that morning?
I just ached to feel it even one more time...
And then the "what ifs?"
What if I had just scheduled a C-section that past Friday, when I heard her beautiful, strong heartbeat?
What if I had a clue that she wasn't moving as much?
What if I hadn't stayed up so late that Sunday night?
A never ending list of questions in my mind... and guilt, disbelief, anger, confusion, sorrow.

I would have gladly given anything...given my life...in return for hers. How unfair it seemed - she didn't even have a chance to breath air through her fully developed lungs. She never had the chance to open her eyes and gaze at her mama & daddy's proud "1st time parents" glowing and joyful faces.

It was all too silent that very early morning.
February 3, 2009.
Loud, screaming babies being weighed and measured
Doting grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins taking their turns snuggling the new little one
Cameras flashing, video camera batteries wearing down from constant use,
Diapers being changed,
Newborns suckling at their mother's breast.
These were the noises that were supposed to be heard in that hospital room.
The silence was deafening.

We clung to her tightly through the wee hours of the morning.
10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes. 6 lbs, 7.4 oz...21 1/2 inches long. Each feature perfectly knitted by God.
She wore a beautiful white dress...the one we had been given for her first Sunday at church.
Until finally it was time to let go. Let go? We could never truly let go.
There would always be a piece of our hearts...a piece of our family missing. Missing.
Could this really be true?
Or would we wake up from this terrible nightmare?
PLEASE God, please, let this all be a dream.

Never again would I have the same perspective on being a mother,
For I was now a mother without my child
Never again would I hear of a healthy baby being born without whispering
"Praise God."
...Because that's not something to ever take for granted.

A child can never be replaced.

The Lord's blessing us with Hannah Beth and Anthony has been part of the [continual] healing process... by His grace my little ones have helped to put back together some of the pieces of my heart that were shattered with the loss of my precious "Alli Joy."
One of the sweetest things in the world is to hear my Hannah Beth (2 years) talk about "Lay-thia" - she often sleeps with our "Alethia Lamby" that was given to me by some sweet friends. When speaking about each member of our family, she almost always includes Alethia in the list. And when we ask her where her big sister is, she responds "in Heaven - Jesus is holding her."

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A journal entry from September 17, 2009...

"I realized today that the Lord is calling me to abandon my own agenda - what I have planned - to embrace the quality of life He gives. This means putting my own plans to death, making HIM my life. This is already painful just thinking about it.. But do I really believe that God's plan is better than the one I've crafted? Lord, give me the faith I need to believe in the satisfying life you want to give me! I have to reconsider Your purpose for my life - if I cling to my own plans and desires, I will never discover the freedom & joy found in "losing my life" for Him.
Lord, I'm scared. I'm afraid of surrender. Give me faith to give my plans over to you and exchange them for Your divine, better plan! Please, give me faith!"

[And that faith is still in the process... I have such a long ways to go. So thankful for God's patience with me.] 
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"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today, will take care of you tomorrow, and every day.
Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it."
(Frances de Sales)

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So. Much. Hope... in what lies ahead...for those who have given their lives to Christ.

Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (NIV)

Psalm 30:5 - "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." (NLT)

1 Peter 5:10 - "The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does." (The Message)

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We sure do miss you every day, sweet little girl! We can't wait for that day when we will see you again! Hope you have a wonderful birthday in Heaven. What a glorious day (today and every day) it must be - in the presence of Jesus.